“With a lifetime of experience at my feet, and a feeling that I have just barely begun at my fingertips, I’m looking around myself and wondering… what next?”
Why is it so hard? (…said no fifty-year-old woman, ever.)
(Bahahaha! Sorry. I can’t help it. I work with fifteen year olds, OK? I once said, to a grade 10 Art class of mostly boys: “It’s just paper maché paste… get in there and get your fingers wet. Don’t be afraid to get dirty!”. You can imagine the chaos. It’s a miracle I’ve haven’t been fired yet.)
Why is it so hard to know what it is that you want to do?
We urge our kids to make a decision and make a choice and move in the right direction of their chosen future… but how are they supposed to know what they want, when we barely know what we want, and we’ve been alive half a century?
Am I alone here?
Am I alone in constantly wondering what it is that I’m looking for, or is this normal? Am I the only fifty-year-old-empty-nesting-divorced-woman who looks around at her noisy-yet-purposeful-and-well-ordered life and wonders… what the fuck?
I am a teacher. That is the profession that I have committed decades and degrees and dedication to developing. And I love it. Mostly.
I fell into it.
I wanted to be an archaeologist. I wanted to travel the world and dig up lost civilizations, until I had one child and then another (and another and another!) and I realized that King Tut wouldn’t appreciate being cast as a pale second to hockey games and gymnastics practice… and I changed my major to English and I volunteered in my kids’ classes and I earned my BEd at the age of 35… and I love my job.
But is it what I was meant to do?
Sometimes I’m a good teacher, sometimes I suck.
Sometimes I feel I made the right choice, sometimes I wonder how I will ever survive the next ten years ‘til retirement.
When my children were young, they consumed my life. I miss that focused dedication, that sense that this is what I was meant to do. I loved raising my babies, all the mistakes and bad choices notwithstanding… I will never say I was a great parent, I erred continuously, but all I wanted was their health and well-being, and that unconditional love and focus and effort was my unquestioned purpose during those years.
Now I’m fifty.
Now my kids are grown.
Now what do I do?
Two of my children have found their passion, and are following their bliss with determination and focus… two of my children are still searching. I am with them. I am searching for my next focus, my next passion. It is so hard to watch your children search for their life’s work… they need education, they need experience, they need the dedication to see it through… and you want to just wrap it all up in a neat bundle for them and say: “Here. Here is what you need, my darling. I love you eternally, you amazing person, you!”
I wish someone would do that for me.
With a lifetime of experience at my feet, and a feeling that I have just barely begun at my fingertips, I’m looking around myself and wondering… what next?
I want so much to do… something!
If you are also searching… follow me on my journey as I explore fitness and health and how to stop drinking red wine every day…
Fifty is the new Forty, right?
What does that even mean? I want more from every moment… I just have to decide what that is!
Right now… it’s my fitness, my health, reclaiming my old body and making it work. I’m excited about my fitness journey, but I’m still searching…
Find me here: