I posted this video in January, but I’m reposting today because, well, it’s Wednesday. Wednesday feels like a good day for a story, and since this one is both a video of the story and now, the text of the story, it can appeal to both the reader and the viewer!
Here is the video:
And here is the original post, explaining the origins and the wordiness of the video, just click the image:
Thanks for indulging me. Happy Hump Day!
The Brothers Evans
A Wee Tale of Love and Heartbreak, by Libby Broadbent
Based on the artwork of Robert LaDuke
They both loved her, Miss Theodora MacKenzie of Schenectady, New York, for how could they not? When Everett became mutely confounded by the lush foliage of her russet hair, Ezekiel would elucidate the marvels of her aqua eyes. Should Everett mention, in passing, at the breakfast table, that Miss Theodora’s skin rivalled the rich buttermilk their mother served them with their biscuits, then Ezekiel would, naturally, parry with a muttered analogy between chocolate drops and the freckles which blessed that very buttermilk skin, making passing allusion to their daring descent down the deep declivity of the breasts in question, whereupon Everett would be obliged to rise thunderously to his feet and demand propriety when in discussion of the woman he was going to marry. He would invariably break a plate in his ascension.
Ezekiel would hurl his napkin to the table, declaring his own intentions for the hand of the freckled maid. A tea cup was often a fatality of this expressive gesture.
Everett would sputter and stammer, as was his way when agitated, his face creeping red and blotchy, his eyes watering as his passionate heart palpitated. He had been known to crush a juice glass in one large fist when in such high temper.
Ezekiel would recite poetry, as was his way when agitated, much to the annoyance of their mother, the Widow Evans, who despised both poetry and passion and would just like to see one of her sons marry the woman before all the crockery in the house was broken.
“I loved her first: but afterwards her love, Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song, As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.” Ezekiel felt no qualms at altering whatever poem happened to come to him, to suit his needs, as he knew full-well that his brother could barely read the delivery sheets for his rounds, never mind be familiar with the greater lyricism of the bards.
“I… you… she…” Everett flexed his shoulders, his massive arms straining at the fabric of the shirt which his beloved had once mentioned as being a lovely shade of blue which matched his eyes. Although the boys had shared their mother’s womb, the Widow Evans had often suggested, being a tiny waif of a woman barely sturdy enough to withstand a strong wind, that Everett had consumed the lion’s share of the meagre nourishment her gestating body could provide, while Ezekiel had absorbed the wisdom of the ages from the scraps his twin left him. Ezekiel was the brains, Everett the brawn, and together they made a fine man. Miss Theodora MacKenzie was tearing them apart.
“Quit your blubbering, both of you, and go deliver the bread.” Mother would calmly interrupt their testosterone infused gallantry, deftly picking up shards of crockery with her dishtowel. “And neither of you even bother arguing over who delivers the best bread. Bread is bread. Girls is girls. Only one of you can have her, so you’d best just flip a coin and get it over with.”I loved you first: but afterwards your love “””’’’fsdmfldsmfkdlsnsdklngksdl Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.
“Phillips’ bread is soft and delicious,” Everett would mutter under his breath. Everett had been delivering Phillips Bread, in his green and orange truck, for almost ten years. Ezekiel had delivered Amalie Bread and Rolls, in his black and yellow truck, for exactly the same length of time.
“Amalie Bread and Rolls are as soft as a cloud That floats on high o’er vales and hills,” Ezekiel was about to pontificate further on the texture and color of his far superior product but his words were abruptly startled out of his chest by the meat of Everett’s fist being laid rather forcefully between his shoulder blades. Everett often had a physical reaction to Ezekiel’s poetry.
“Philips’ is better,” Everett stomped past his brother, grabbed his white delivery jacket off the coat rack and rammed his Philip’s Bread cap on his large head. His hair bristled around the brim like exclamation points frightened out of his scalp.
Ezekiel followed rather more slowly, gently encouraging air to return to his lungs. The twin brothers, one large and one small, climbed aboard their respective bread delivery trucks, parked side by side in uneasy collusion in their mother’s driveway.
“Out of the night that covers me/ Black as the Pit from pole to pole/ I thank whatever gods may be/ For my unconquerable soul,” wheezed Ezekiel, brushing a speck of dirt off the dash of his Amalie Bread and Rolls delivery truck. Ezekiel shook his head at the folly of whatever God it was that had contrived their fate; sharing the same womb, loving the same woman, and delivering the same product. He only wished there could be more poems about bread.
Miss Theodora MacKenzie was not, as might be supposed, a winsome or delicate member of the fairer sex. She stood almost as tall as her dual suitors and could look both in the eye with only the merest tilt of her freckled chin. Her hair, as has been suggested, was a wild and untamable mane of auburn splendor which she invariably hijacked into submission with a twist of twine twirled tightly at the base of her sturdy neck. Her hands were large, her shoulders broad, her breasts mighty stalwart peaks that had caused poor Ezekiel, on more than one occasion, to moan “Were there, below, a spot of holy ground/ Where from distress a refuge might be found/ And solitude prepare the soul for heaven/ Sure, nature’s God that spot to man had given… between Theodora’s bosoms.”
Everett, silently clamping his hand tightly around his brother’s wrist, on more than one occasion, and hurling him over the settee, was inclined to agree.
Yet, despite the young Miss Theodora’s undeniable physical lustiness, there lingered in her heart a vigor of an entirely different ilk. Theodora’s heart yearned for independence. For success on her own terms. For adventure, and freedom, and emancipation from the shackles of womanhood her unfortunate possession of a womb had her tethered to. Miss Theodora MacKenzie wanted to be a farmer. Not, notably, a farmer’s wife. Nor a Bread and Rolls delivery man’s wife either, for that matter. But Theodora was not insensitive to the missiles of testosteronic affection being hurled her way by the twin brothers, just as she was not insensitive to the desires that burned in her own loins when she watched Everett casually toss fifty pound crates of bread with one well-muscled hand, or when she cracked open her window on a sultry July evening to the dulcet tones of Ezekiel reciting sonnets below her casements, causing the fervent heart encased beneath her magnificent breasts to beat with the wanton pleasures of youth. Oh, she wanted them both, did young Miss MacKenzie; one for the brawn, the other for the brain… the problem arose in the choosing, and then in the ridding, for she had no intention of keeping either man. The dependence and oppression of marriage ran counter to her dream of becoming a Liberated Lady Farmer, and she had no intention of squandering her ambitions for a muscled bicep or a cleverly worded haiku, no matter how heated her blood became at the thought of either.
It is not to be known what it was that lead her to it. Was it the complexity of youthful folly? The restrictive snugness of her undergarments limiting oxygen to the decision-making lobe of her feisty brain? The innocent desire to spare both men the despair that her neglect would most surely have caused? Whatever the reasoning, young Theodora MacKenzie began a vigorous, albeit ill-advised, seduction of both of the Brothers Evans with no intent to wed, no intent to woo, no intent, indeed, to mislead but merely to cool the overheated conjunction of her thighs in as merry a way as possible whilst she continued to dream of acres and fertilizer and husbandry… in the most agricultural sense of the word. She dreamed, mostly, of cows.
Everett bought her a horse. This, after a particularly rousing afternoon spent in her company when she called him her “swaggering cowboy” and made most complimentary comments about the size of his… belt buckle.
Ezekiel, not to be outdone, purchased for her a truckload of pumpkins. This, after a most salubrious afternoon in her company when she called him “a silly pumpkin head” after an ardent poetical recitation wherein, after each phrase, he kissed a hammer-like toe on her sturdy foot:
“T’was brillig (kiss) and the slithy toves (kiss) didst gyre and gimbal in the wabe (kiss)”
When she suggested, with dewy breathlessness, that he could gyre and gimbal in her wabe, his poetic efforts had stuttered into more guttural utterances of bliss.
Everett, dimly aware that his brother seemed uncharacteristically ebullient during dinner as his poetic ejaculations drifted so far from the classics as to include a seemingly endless recitation of an Aerosmith ballad;
“Don’t wanna close my eyes I don’t wanna fall asleep ‘Cause I’d miss you, baby And I don’t wanna miss a thing…”
… in response, Everett bought his lady love a tractor with which he squashed several of the hundreds of pumpkins she seemed to have scattered over her yard.
Ezekiel, then, bought her a house, which he delivered on the back of a flatbed truck. On a plaque he had affixed to the kitchen wall, just above the countertop where she thanked him most enthusiastically for his gift, he had inscribed, in curling cursive wound through with leaves and blossoming flowers: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference”, implying perhaps, as he suggested between panted breaths as she bestowed her appreciation upon his narrow frame, that he was the road she was meant to take. She took him… but made no promise regarding other roads she might traverse.
Everett bought a plane.
“Mum. I bought ‘er a plane,” he said, in a rare moment of verbosity. “’T’is a fast plane.”
The mother of the twins, Widow Evans, as we have come to call her, sighed. It was a sigh that threatened to undo the tenuous connection between her ribs and her spine, being, as she was, a mere waif of a woman, subject to extreme disruptions of the spirit caused by the conflict between her two sons. How she longed for unbroken crockery, and unbroken peace in her home.
“Girls is girls, Ev. Find one you don’t have to buy a plane for.”
It was sound advice, as mothers’ advice often is, and it went unheeded, as mothers’ advice often does, and Widow Evans sighed, as mothers often do, as her burly son roared off in the squat airship with which he hoped to win the hand of the freckled maid.
“I should write her a poem,” wheezed Ezekiel, entering the room to the fading roar of his brother’s flight to romance. “I’ve never written my own before. I believe it I should be worthy of… well… worthy of the name of Bard. Whaddayou think, Mother? Will she marry me if I am… Bard Ezekiel?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, sweet son, but I believe young Miss is looking for Hard Ezekiel, not Bard, and having done with that I believe she may be done wi’ you.” Widow Evans had been around the block a time or two, if you know what I mean. She was no stranger to the heat that burned bright in Miss Theodora MacKenzie’s loins, although her own fire had been quenched many a long year before, and had been replaced, most satisfactorily, by an appreciation of fine china. She missed the Mister Evans more than she dare say, but she had her eye on a set of Wedgewood which simply wouldn’t withstand the ardour of her sons’ infatuation. She needs must do something to stop the madness.
For her part, Miss Theodora MacKenzie was satisfied. Several times satisfied, in fact, yet there ached in her heart a yearning for freedom, for emancipation, for liberation from the restrictions imposed on her by her own libidinous soul. The horse was nice, the pumpkins round, the house cosy and the plane… well… it was a plane… but she still yearned for something more. Her quandary over the Brothers Evans deepened as she explored every crack and crevasse of that fraternal crucible and she found it ever harder to decide… which one? But not which one to keep, rather, which one to discard first?
She determined, in the obstreperousness of her whimsy, to engage her lovers in a series of trials which would serve the dual purpose of entertaining her and simplifying her choice of which man to make redundant first. Do not think, gentle reader, that our heroine was completely lacking in social graces, empathy, kindness and morality. Quite the contrary, Miss Theodora MacKenzie congratulated herself on her altruistic approach to man-handling with the entirely reasonable reasoning that both men had had the milk for free, therefore it would be unkind to expect only one to buy the cow.
As it turned out, it was the Widow Evans who bought the cow.
Theodora’s first challenge was to encourage the Evans Brothers to race, in race cars, across the barren salt flats in pursuit of her favor. It ended in a tie.
The second was a marathon between car and plane, over bridges and valleys and mountain ranges. Again, the brothers proved each other’s equal within a hair’s breadth of each other.
The third was a battle with a bullet where Theodora donned her most snug, most revealing, most enticing bathing costume and, raising her rifle to her capacious shoulder, shot a single bullet down a straight thoroughfare, past the house Ezekiel bought her, past the pumpkins of Everett, creating a fright and stampede from the horse Ezekiel had gifted her with, and landing, with a chilling twang, in the tail wing of the plane which Everett had used to woo her passionately into his massive arms… but neither man was able to race the bullet, as the trial demanded, due to the intoxicating distraction of the bathing costume. Theodora called it a draw. It was, after all, a very fetching bathing costume.
Throughout all of the trials and tribulations of Theodora’s undertakings there followed a steady shattering of pottery in the kitchen of the Widow Evans. Everett’s door slamming, Ezekiel’s exuberant remonstrance regarding his brother’s alleged predilection for cheating, Everett’s insistence that Ezekiel’s face would look better crushed beneath one of their mothers’ china platters… all culminated, in an apocalypse of earthenware destruction, to Widow Evans’ decision to intervene.
“Theodora MacKenzie,” the venerable Widow hissed outside the door to the house her erstwhile and amorous son had bequeathed to the strumpet in question. “Come out here this instant, before I go in there and drag ye out by her damnable tresses… or, as Ezekiel is wont to say “O fleecy hair, falling in curls to the shoulders! O black locks! O perfume laden with nonchalance!”
(Let it be known that while Ezekiel’s predilection for poetry was not appreciated in his household, it was, perhaps, genetic.)
“I’ll nonchalance ye, all right, ye wee hussy,” Widow Evans muttered under her breath as the cinnamon cascade of curls in question came into view.
“Widow Evans,” Theodora simpered.
“I’ve bought ye a cow. Leave my boys alone.”
Indeed, in the yard there stood a cow chewing its cud in blessed bovine ignorance of all matters of the heart, the hearth, and the hussy.
“A cow?” Theodora blinked.
“How did you know I needed a cow?”
“Because you don’t need either of my sons.”
“No,” Theodora agreed. She smiled the smile of innocence and youth and concupiscence. “But they are smashing good fun!” For Mother Evans it was as if an entire shelf of porcelain came crashing down at her feet.
Mother Evans reached out one cadaverous arm, the thinness of which caused Theodora to glance around for a hearse or an undertaker or at the very least a doctor should the suddenness of the gesture and the diminutiveness of the perpetrator result in tragedy. Mother Evans reached out her tiny arm and struck Theodora a shocking blow on the cheekbone, snapping our young heroine’s head back and causing her to stagger against the doorframe.
(Let it be known that while Everett’s great strength and musculature were not always appreciated in his household, they were, perhaps, genetic.)
“Boys is boys. Cows is cows,” Mother Evans intoned. “Leave me boys and me crockery in peace.”
And so it came to pass, due to a tremulous fear instilled by a waif of a woman whose looks were deceiving and whose bite was at least as bad as her bark, that the young Theodora MacKenzie embraced her new life as a Liberated Lady Farmer, disregarding the attentions of young men near and far in favor of the pleasures of buying her own cows and having the milk for free. The Brothers Evans, meanwhile, were baffled by the sudden cessation of the affections of their mutual inamorata.
“I understand,” Ezekiel whimpered to his mother, “…why she would stray from the Pre-Cambrian pummelling offered by my brother, but what could have possessed her to reject me?”
“It’s a mystery,” agreed his mother, massaging her right hand.
“Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.” Ezekiel moaned.
“Ok,” agreed his mother, cradling a teapot in her withered lap.
Everett slammed the door. The teapot shivered.
“She dump you?” he asked his brother.
“Indeed. I am bereft. ‘She walks in beauty like the night…’ ”
Everett clamped his large hand on his brother’s thin shoulder with such force that Ezekiel’s teeth clinked together like delicate china teacups. Their mother shivered.
The two boys stood in momentary and fleeting commiseration, Everett pondering random acts of violence, Ezekiel rhapsodizing his loss in silent recitation of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18, while the Widow Evans quietly replaced the teapot on the shelf, smiled, and began polishing her newest collection of Wedgewood fine china.
- Aerosmith, “Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”. AtoZLyrics.com, A to Z Lyrics, January, 2015
- Baudelaire, Charles. “La Chevelure”. (1857) Charles Baudelaire’s Fleurs du Mal, Supervert, January, 2015
- Lord Byron. “She Walks in Beauty”. The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- LaDuke, Robert. Robert LaDuke, Daily Paintworks, January 2015
- Carroll, Lewis. “Jabberwocky”. The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- Frost, Robert. “The Road Not Taken”. The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- Henley, William Ernest. “Invictus”. The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- Neruda, Pablo. “Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines”, Poemhunter.com, Poem Hunter, January, 2015
- Rossetti, Christina. “I loved you first, but afterwards your love.” The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- Wordsworth, William. “Daffodils”, The Poetry Foundation, The Poetry Foundation, January , 2015
- Wordsworth, William. “Taken during a pedestrian tour around the Alps”. Bartleby.com, Steven H. van Leeuwen, January, 2015
 Christina Rossetti, I Loved you First
 William Wordsworth, Daffodils
 William Ernest Henley, Invictus
 William Wordsworth, Taken during a pedestrian tour around the Alps
 Lewis Carroll, Jabberwocky
 Aerosmith, I don’t want to miss a thing.
 Robert Frost, The Road Less Travelled
 Charles Baudelaire, La Chevelure
 Pablo Neruda, Tonight I can Write the Saddest Lines
 Lord Byron, She Walks in Beauty