But I’m a carnivore!

My Love and I have gained weight over the winter. A comfortable layer of blubber which fortified us against the rigors of a Nova Scotia winter… bitter cold, howling winds, snow piling up against the windows… these are elements that can only be overcome with copious amounts of sour cream, cheese, gravy, cream cheese, whipped cream, and deep fried crispy onions.
Duh. Who needs an extra sweater when you eat like gluttons all winter?
In our efforts to protect ourselves from the ravages of winter we have expanded… like dough rising in front of the fire. Like puff pastry glistening in the oven. Like whipped cream frothing atop a cheesecake. And when I say we… I mean me. I am a middle-aged mother of four. He is a swarthy middle-aged hunk of man-flesh.
Not-the-same.
I have expanded in concentric rings around my entire body. If you could take a core sample of me, you could read every butter-slathered slice of bread and every Thai-Chili-Sauce coated scallop I’ve inhaled since last summer. A core sample of my Love would read: Male. With fur. Unfortunately, I am simply too bulky for him to be able to drag by the hair into his man cave. I am forced to sit outside the man cave on my ample haunches and stir the gravy. I have no shame in wanting to be dragged by the hair into the man cave, because fun things happen there. But I gotta stir this damn gravy…
Mmmmm… gravy….
And we are carnivores. Oh baby, are we ever! Deer, moose, goose, duck… every possible piece, starting with the heart. Wrapped in bacon. With peppercorn gravy.
But spring is coming. Spring means shorts, and t-shirts, and kayaking, and biking… and none of that is possible with the winter layer of blubber. The blubber just ain’t gonna fit in the kayak. “I don’t think you ready for this jelly”. Name that song.
Which brings us to 22 Days Vegan.
If Beyoncé did it, so can I. My darling eldest spawn, a lithe and supple 27 year old who looks like a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Madonna, told me about this crazy, ridiculous, you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me idea of a 22 day diet that contains NO MEAT.
No eggs. No cheese. No dairy. No SOUR CREAM!
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I said.
“Beyoncé did it,” she said.
“My lovely lady lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps,” I sang, oozing cool.
“That’s Fergie, Mom,” she said.
“I…. know.” Then I twerked for a few minutes, just to make a point.
So, my Love and I are going Vegan for 22 Days. Um… a MODIFIED vegan. Seriously, we live in rural Nova Scotia. How am I gonna find hemp seeds, for goodness sake?
Oh. Ok. I can probably find those. But not legally!
And coconut oil? And Kwee-No-Ah?
That was my first educational moment in my quest for post-winter weight loss. Ask the pimply-cheeked clerk at the bulk food store for Kwee-No-Ah and you might be lucky enough to be led out back to the secret location of hemp seeds, but you definitely won’t be finding what is oddly and incorrectly pronounced Keen-Wah.
Quinoa.
It looks like Cream Of Wheat, and I hated that shit when I was a kid. Now, I’m supposed to eat it in a salad? At least you can put brown sugar on Cream of Wheat.
Quinoa?
Kale.
Put Kale on Quinoa and don’t touch a deer heart for 22 days. What kind of madness is this?
I bought Almond Milk. Almonds don’t even have nipples, people! And I made a cheese sauce with Butternut Squash instead of cheese. Sacrilege.
I’m still alive, after Day One, so I guess there’s hope. I don’t believe anything has happened to the concentric rings of my decadence, though. I still felt myself jiggle when I went for my walk, which is Part Two of the Recovery-From-Winter Self-Flagellation-Program. My youngest spawn, an adorable and petite 20 year old who looks like a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Pink, told me about an app called Seven.
The 7 minute workout.
This could be a match made in heaven. Me, and 7 minutes of exercise.
And a lot of Quinoa.
Today, I’m sore from 7 minutes of exertion… Wall Sits… the twisted mind that thought up Wall Sits probably is responsible for all the Saw movies… and rectal thermometers… and menstruation… but I’ve eaten a mango and several cashews so I feel ready to take on the world!
I’ll keep you posted… 22 days is a long time, and I’ve got a freezer full of Bambi calling my name…

PicMonkey Collage

5 thoughts on “But I’m a carnivore!

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  1. I just have to say I love this post. Your reactions sounds like my entire family’s when I try to suggest healthy eating to them. And the almond’s don’t even have nipples comment is cracking me up. Good luck with your kale and quinoa experiments!!

  2. Quinoa, Coconut Oil and Hemp Seeds are all at Costco 🙂 Hemp seeds are awesome!
    Also, I only share this because I made the same (gasp) error in pronouncing quinoa. It is actually Key-nwa. I felt the same way after I learned how to properly pronounce Joaquin Phoenix.

    I know! *eyeroll*

    Have fun 🙂

  3. Quinoa, Coconut Oil and Hemp Seeds are all at Costco 🙂 Hemp seeds are awesome!
    Also, I only share this because I made the same (gasp) error in pronouncing quinoa. It is actually Key-nwa. I felt the same way after I learned how to properly pronounce Joaquin Phoenix.

    I know! *eyeroll*

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